My husband and are coming up on a new season in life: retirement from the military. Being a life-long dependant, to say that I am afraid of the future would be an understatement. Logically I know we will be fine. We will have his retirement income, once I get to the last duty station next month I can get a job, we have great, loving families, and most importantly, though sometimes it feels abstract, we have a loving God. A God whose "eye is on the sparrow".
Even with all this, I find myself not only praying, but begging God to please show me everything will be fine. And he has. He has spoken to me through his word, through radio programs with timely messages, and through songs that speak directly to my heart. Still, I crave more. I have come to the realization that not only do I want things to be fine, but I want them to fit in my vision for our lives. Frankly, my vision may not be God's truth for our lives, and I need to accept that. I don't want to, but I need to.
I guess I am afraid of living in poverty. I want our own home. After 20+ years of military housing I want a place to call our own, and I want a place that is nice and I can be proud of. Not extravagant, but nice. Probably a bit bigger than we need, but I want a place where friends and family can visit, and they can have their own space. Their own place to go without feeling as if they have displaced us from our rooms. I want to go to bed at night without worrying about money. I want to replace bad tires without worrying about where the money is coming from. I want to support our son through college. I'm afraid God's plan for our life won't match this. I automatically assume that if our lives aren't like this we will be living a life of poverty. Why? My vision is not that we will be living like Hollywood's rich and famous. In fact, it is firmly entrenched in the middle class. God's vision could be greater than my dreams. (Even as I type that my thoughts are "but I doubt it". Will I ever learn?"
I wish God would flat out show me what is in store for our lives, but I have to wait. And trust. Trust does not come easily for me. He did flat out show me this week one thing...I have to wait.
Michael had a situation at work this week that hurt him, and broke my heart for him. Since he is not shy at all, he decided to confront the situation head on. While praying for his situation, I begged God, in tears, to please speak to me through His word, comfort me, and show me that in this situation everything would be fine. I read the intended scripture for that night desperately searching for anything that could apply to this situation, but God was silent. Nothing seemed to fit, so I fretted.
The next morning Michael called. Everything is fine. It was all a great misunderstanding...a miscommunication. He was happy. I could hear it in his voice.
Later, while thinking over this in my mind, I heard, "Sometimes you just have to wait." Sometimes the wait will be short to know the answer to your prayers. Sometimes, though, it will feel like forever. Still, we just have to wait...
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Complaining, Grumbling and Growing Faith
It is amazing how we can see, hear or read something over and over again, and all of a sudden it is like you never read it before. This is what happened last night while reading Exodus chapter 16. Specifically Exodus 16:8b.
In this chapter the Israelites are complaining to Moses and Aaron about not having enough food, and "wishing" they were back in Egypt. Then you come to verse 8b "...the Lord has heard your grumbling that you grumble against him-what are we? Your grumbling is not against us but against the Lord."
Your grumbling is against the Lord.
We, as a society, are quick to complain, and I know I am guilty. Waiting in line...complain, Don't make as much money as you would like...complain, Life not going the way you think it should...complain. The list goes on and on and on. We complain about people complaining, but is this complaining accomplishing anything? Or are we complaining to complain. Are we complaining to make change, or to gain sympathy?
When we complain to blow smoke we aren't complaining against the store, our family, our friends, the government. We are complaining against God... God who knows what is best for us, and wants the best for us. Instead of gleaning what God's purpose could be in any given situation, our first impulse is to grumble. What a perfect stumbling block to our growth in faith.
Earlier this year we learned that Michael will be retiring 2 years earlier than we had planned. My first inclination was to rail against the Air Force. Why? Because, frankly, I'm scared. I do not like the unknown, and I do not like change. The Air Force is our Egypt. It is familiar; it is comfortable, and even though there are hard times, it is home, but it is time to leave.
The last couple of months I have been trying to trust God. Trying not to complain, or focus on the negative. I am trying to trust that God has a plan for us. A plan that is better than we can imagine. Trust...that we are being shoved out of the nest that is the Air Force,...so that we can live out God's plan for our lives.
I need to trust God's plan, not complain that God's plan doesn't coincide with what my plan was.
Ella
In this chapter the Israelites are complaining to Moses and Aaron about not having enough food, and "wishing" they were back in Egypt. Then you come to verse 8b "...the Lord has heard your grumbling that you grumble against him-what are we? Your grumbling is not against us but against the Lord."
Your grumbling is against the Lord.
We, as a society, are quick to complain, and I know I am guilty. Waiting in line...complain, Don't make as much money as you would like...complain, Life not going the way you think it should...complain. The list goes on and on and on. We complain about people complaining, but is this complaining accomplishing anything? Or are we complaining to complain. Are we complaining to make change, or to gain sympathy?
When we complain to blow smoke we aren't complaining against the store, our family, our friends, the government. We are complaining against God... God who knows what is best for us, and wants the best for us. Instead of gleaning what God's purpose could be in any given situation, our first impulse is to grumble. What a perfect stumbling block to our growth in faith.
Earlier this year we learned that Michael will be retiring 2 years earlier than we had planned. My first inclination was to rail against the Air Force. Why? Because, frankly, I'm scared. I do not like the unknown, and I do not like change. The Air Force is our Egypt. It is familiar; it is comfortable, and even though there are hard times, it is home, but it is time to leave.
The last couple of months I have been trying to trust God. Trying not to complain, or focus on the negative. I am trying to trust that God has a plan for us. A plan that is better than we can imagine. Trust...that we are being shoved out of the nest that is the Air Force,...so that we can live out God's plan for our lives.
I need to trust God's plan, not complain that God's plan doesn't coincide with what my plan was.
Ella
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Trying to be...
Everything.
Employee:
Sometimes it feels as if I have so many hats I can never wear them all, and not just at work. I do my best to jump in and do whatever needs to be done at work. This can lead to an exhausting day, to say the least.
Home Maker:
Today, is my day off. I have so much to do and next to no ambition. I managed to get all of the housework done that I planned on, but I still need to plan dinner for tonight and tomorrow night, make said dinners, and get lunch together for tomorrow.
Student:
I also need to get to work on my next college class. I received my book a couple of days ago, and it is time to get started. I am a bit nervous about this one. I meant to take a class that was more of an introduction than this one, and now I am nervous. I also tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to get A's, and all that does is cause more stress.
Mom:
Last week we learned that Brendan broke his scaphoid bone waaay back in August. He had xrays on August 31st where we were first told the xray was negative, but given a referral to orthopedics and a brace. The next day we were called back in because the radiologist saw something on the xray that was questionable. We went back in, had more xrays and were again told the xrays were negative. At this time th referral was cancelled and the brace was taken away. In December we went back to the doctor because Brendan was still in pain. More xrays, another referral, negative results. This week we finally had the referral appointment and more xrays. Now we finally have answers. Answers that raise questions, but answers none the less. Brendan does, indeed, have a break. The orthopedist showed us what he called "A Tour of Brendan's Wrist."
Starting with the Aug 31st xray. There was a line right throught the center of the scaphoid bone. I don't really see how this could be a question, but the orthopedist who has seen many more xrays than I have says it could have been questionable.
2nd xrays on September 1st. Same line, maybe a bit lighter. Brendan's symptoms have changed a bit, and he is not showing classic scaphoid bone break symptoms. The result? We are basically told it must be a sprain it will hurt for a while.
3rd xrays Dec 17th. Here is where I start to really question the ability of the radiologist. I understand, to a point, why it was missed on the first two, but on this one? Not so much. On this one the line is still there, AND a halo shows around the top of the scaphoid bone. This is because the bone has started to tilt upwards, so we are starting to see the top of the bone.
4th xrays: There is now a large gap where the original line was, the bone is butted up against the radius bone, the bottom portion of the bone is white meaning inadequate blood flow to the bone, a bone spur, and he has scaphoid collapse.
Now, instead of a cast or perhaps even a simple surgery, we are looking at having a screw put in, and a bone graft because of the lack of blood flow. All this while Brendan is taking a course in firefighting and trying to get his certification.
Wife:
Right now this includes wearing a "dad" hat since Michael is deployed.
Daugher and Friend:
I feel these often get pushed to the side in an effort to fulfill my other roles.
Christian:
I know I often push my spiritual life to a back burner. The sad part is it is the most important, and everything would go so much more smoothly if I were more faithful in spending time with God everyday. Thankfully, God is always there even when I am not.
Employee:
Sometimes it feels as if I have so many hats I can never wear them all, and not just at work. I do my best to jump in and do whatever needs to be done at work. This can lead to an exhausting day, to say the least.
Home Maker:
Today, is my day off. I have so much to do and next to no ambition. I managed to get all of the housework done that I planned on, but I still need to plan dinner for tonight and tomorrow night, make said dinners, and get lunch together for tomorrow.
Student:
I also need to get to work on my next college class. I received my book a couple of days ago, and it is time to get started. I am a bit nervous about this one. I meant to take a class that was more of an introduction than this one, and now I am nervous. I also tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to get A's, and all that does is cause more stress.
Mom:
Last week we learned that Brendan broke his scaphoid bone waaay back in August. He had xrays on August 31st where we were first told the xray was negative, but given a referral to orthopedics and a brace. The next day we were called back in because the radiologist saw something on the xray that was questionable. We went back in, had more xrays and were again told the xrays were negative. At this time th referral was cancelled and the brace was taken away. In December we went back to the doctor because Brendan was still in pain. More xrays, another referral, negative results. This week we finally had the referral appointment and more xrays. Now we finally have answers. Answers that raise questions, but answers none the less. Brendan does, indeed, have a break. The orthopedist showed us what he called "A Tour of Brendan's Wrist."
Starting with the Aug 31st xray. There was a line right throught the center of the scaphoid bone. I don't really see how this could be a question, but the orthopedist who has seen many more xrays than I have says it could have been questionable.
2nd xrays on September 1st. Same line, maybe a bit lighter. Brendan's symptoms have changed a bit, and he is not showing classic scaphoid bone break symptoms. The result? We are basically told it must be a sprain it will hurt for a while.
3rd xrays Dec 17th. Here is where I start to really question the ability of the radiologist. I understand, to a point, why it was missed on the first two, but on this one? Not so much. On this one the line is still there, AND a halo shows around the top of the scaphoid bone. This is because the bone has started to tilt upwards, so we are starting to see the top of the bone.
4th xrays: There is now a large gap where the original line was, the bone is butted up against the radius bone, the bottom portion of the bone is white meaning inadequate blood flow to the bone, a bone spur, and he has scaphoid collapse.
Now, instead of a cast or perhaps even a simple surgery, we are looking at having a screw put in, and a bone graft because of the lack of blood flow. All this while Brendan is taking a course in firefighting and trying to get his certification.
Wife:
Right now this includes wearing a "dad" hat since Michael is deployed.
Daugher and Friend:
I feel these often get pushed to the side in an effort to fulfill my other roles.
Christian:
I know I often push my spiritual life to a back burner. The sad part is it is the most important, and everything would go so much more smoothly if I were more faithful in spending time with God everyday. Thankfully, God is always there even when I am not.
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